Common Boundary Mistakes Families Make

What’s included?

1. Introduction
2. Why boundaries are important during addiction recovery
3. How can I set boundaries to help a family member in recovery?
4. What are some common boundary mistakes families make?
5. Which family members are most likely to break boundaries?
6. How Delamere can help set and maintain boundaries   

Boundaries are those invisible lines we draw in the sand. They show our loved ones the respect we hold for ourselves and behaviours we will and won’t tolerate. 

If you’re supporting a family member through addiction recovery, you’ll both be encouraged to set them. 

But what are the most important boundaries to uphold? What are some common errors families make? How can you break free from toxic relationships and offer the best kind of support? 

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Why boundaries are important during addiction recovery

Drug and alcohol addiction fuel dysfunctional family dynamics, leading to excessive criticism, control issues and emotional neglect. 

Boundaries can support accountability, promote self-respect, provide structure and prevent relapse. As a family member, this is as much about setting your own limits as it is supporting a loved one. 

Encouraging or ignoring harmful behaviour gives the addicted person a licence to continue abusing. Maintain a firm and united position as a family. Set out expectations clearly and enforce consequences. 

Setting boundaries today will help your loved one:

• Remain accountable
• Develop self-respect
• Improve their self-control
• Respect your relationship
• Avoid a relapse

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How can I set boundaries to help a family member in recovery? 

Over time, toxic behaviour can easily become normalised. There are several ways to break the cycle, from the way you communicate to how you socialise. You just need to prioritise what works best for your family. 

Communication and limits

Find ways to communicate that are clear and show respect. Practise saying ‘no’ and formulate responses in anticipation of difficult questions. Don’t engage in arguments or emotional blackmail as this can make things worse. 

Controlled home environments

Set house rules that mean no alcohol or drugs are allowed. This is especially important if the person in recovery lives with you. Think about the conditions you expect to be met. Insist they attend counselling in return for a place to stay. 

Time and self-care boundaries 

It’s OK to listen to your own needs and remove yourself from the situation every now and then. Have a mental limit of how much time you’re prepared to dedicate to your loved one’s problems and prioritise your own hobbies, relaxation and friendships instead. 

Setting financial boundaries

Addiction affects people’s ability to work leaving family members to pick up the tab. In their recovery you can establish clear financial boundaries. In place of topping up their income or paying off their debts, offer to pick up their shopping or give them a lift to therapy.

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What are some common boundary mistakes families make?

Families just want the best for each other. But in the process of offering addiction support there are some errors family members unwittingly make. 

Being a ‘people pleaser’

We all know someone with this personality type. Well-meaning but with low self-esteem, people pleasers try to ‘fix’ situations at the expense of themselves. Always eager to please, this family member may overlook their own needs and be more likely to flex their boundaries to accommodate others. 

Actions without consequences

A boundary doesn’t exist if it’s constantly shifting. This can send mixed messages and cause confusion for the person in recovery. Make sure consequences are more than just words and always follow through with them. This helps the person in recovery to know where they stand. 

Enabling abusive behaviour

While friends and family members may appear caring, sometimes the lines blur between helping and enabling. Be the person who says no to a night out, refuse to drive someone to the pub or have any alcohol or drugs in the house. You can be part of the solution, not the problem. 

Getting too involved

When you see someone less capable struggling it can be easy to take on their problems. If you’re constantly checking in, or trying to control their behaviour, this can be overbearing and lead them to pushing back or ignoring advice. 

Turning ‘tough love’ into ‘no love’

Overacting, blaming or not letting go of the past can feel judgemental rather than supportive. Even though you’ve been hurt, don’t turn your boundaries into constant criticism and punishment. The family member you love is still there and will return with the right encouragement.

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Which family members are most likely to break boundaries?

Extensive research highlights the importance of family dynamics to health, illness and recovery. However, the shifting definition of ‘family’ means it’s hard to pinpoint each member’s role in health outcomes¹. 

Some families still have a hierarchy. Each person’s role and relationship with the sufferer impacts their ability to maintain strong boundaries. 

Parents: As a parent, you naturally want to protect your child, even when they become adults. But mixing up compassion with complacency can be detrimental to their recovery.

Siblings: Younger siblings may fear retribution from older brothers and sisters or feel their voice is less valued and therefore don’t speak up. 

Partners: Couples often have the added stress of managing the wider family if children and grandparents are involved. This may lead to them bending their own rules to keep the peace. 

Children: It’s unfair to ask young children to try to maintain boundaries that may be beyond their emotional capacity or understanding. If you’re the adult child of a parent in recovery you may feel uncomfortable with your roles now reversed. 

Remember, you are both adults and can approach the situation as equals. Work through your problems together by holding space and listening. There is support available for the whole family that can guide you through the process.

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How Delamere can help set and maintain boundaries   

Once we’ve discovered the root cause of the problem, we help our guests set boundaries that avoid triggers and pain points. 

We introduce a range of holistic addiction treatment therapies, from journalling to meditation, to create the ideal parameters for continued success.

Everyone who’s part of a guest’s recovery is welcome at Delamere. We regularly host friends and family ‘connection days’ as well as building shared goals into our future-proof plans. 

If you’d like help setting boundaries with a loved one, call us confidentially to speak to a member of the team today.

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References

1. Jabbari B, Schoo C, Rouster AS. Family Dynamics. [Updated 2023 Sep 16]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2025 Jan-.

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